Living With the Truth
by 1Syphira
Summary: Shepard is having a hard time dealing with the choice she had to make to stop the reaper invasion at the cost of three hundred thousand innocent lives. This is a one-shot, covering Shepard's emotional journey after "The Arrival" mission. Rated "M" for LiaraxFemshep.


**Disclaimer:** Too crazy to own it, too lazy to try. So don't sue!

**A/N:** I just played "The Arrival" DLC pack for the first time and HOLY SHIT that was depressing! I think after that shit storm, Shepard deserves a lemon, don't you?! For the sake of continuity, this fic takes place after the Collector Base, and after the Lair of the Shadow Broker.

**Warnings:** This one-shot contains a lemon, though the story itself is more about Shepard mentally dealing with her decision at the end of "The Arrival."

**Living With the Truth**

"Where should we go, Commander?" Joker's voice sounded strained, unsure. She could see he wanted to offer words of comfort, and for once he didn't make a bad joke. She was grateful. She wasn't sure she could handle a distasteful joke about the destruction of a Mass Relay, and the all the deaths involved.

"Aite," she replied. "We still need to deal with that Cerberus cell falling off the grid. Something called 'Project Overlord'?"

"Typhon System. Got it," he said. His fingers began flying over buttons. He seemed relieved to have something to do.

Shepard walked slowly through the C.I.C., taking deliberate steps to keep her legs from giving out. Not only was she exhausted from battling so many waves of soldiers on the Project Base, but she also felt sick. She could feel the eyes of everyone in the C.I.C. looking at her, almost like they expected her to say or do something. But what the hell could she say?

Three hundred thousand batarians were dead.

She had killed three hundred thousand people in order to stop the reaper invasion. And for how long? She had only delayed the inevitable and she knew it. She wasn't sure what to do from here. The Collector threat had been dealt with, and yet she wasn't ready to go back to Earth and face the political shitstorm she knew was coming. She couldn't deal with it, not like this. Doing one more mission for Cerberus would only buy her a few days and she knew it. Then what?

"Chambers," she said when she reached the elevator, "hold all my messages for the rest of the night. I . . . I just need some privacy for a while."

"Of course, Commander," the yeoman replied. Her voice almost sounded terrified. "Commander?"

Shepard paused, her hand hovering over the "close door" button. She glanced over her shoulder.

"I. . . I'm sorry, Commander. Please let me know if you . . . need anything," Kelly said.

Shepard wanted to say something, but her voice was gone. She didn't trust anything to come up other than bile at this point, so she simply nodded before the elevator door hissed shut. The ride to her quarters had never felt so painstakingly slow. When the elevator door at last opened, she rushed to her quarters and into the bathroom.

She hunched over the toilet and vomited up everything her stomach had to offer. _"I did what I had to do,"_ is what she had told Admiral Hackett. Just thinking those words made her dry-heave even more. She clenched her fists. She had never been so filled with hatred toward the reapers as she did in that moment. They were monstrous, and they were turning her into a monster. She felt like she was trapped in some kind of terrible, nightmarish game of tug-of-war.

She felt tears burning in her eyes and they felt like acid when they spilled down her cheeks. She couldn't stop the terrible scream that clawed its way from her throat, nor could she stop her body as it rose in search of some kind of release. Finding the only thing in the bathroom she could destroy, she launched her fist into the mirror. It shattered instantly, the broken pieces raining down to the sink and floor. She felt blood drip down her knuckles but didn't move to stop the flow. She needed to feel the pain. Somehow, some way, her pain had to make up for all the deaths she had just caused.

* * *

Joker's hand hovered over the comm button, struggling with himself whether or not to disobey orders. Liara was trying to get a hold of the Normandy, but Shepard had been pretty specific in the "not wanting to be disturbed" order.

"Jeff," Edi said, her voice gentle. "My understanding of human relationships is still fairly limited, but in circumstances such as these, I believe it would be acceptable to at very least inform Doctor T'Soni of the Commander's mental state."

"I know," he replied.

"Perhaps Doctor T'Soni could help the Commander," Edi pressed.

"I know," he said again. "That's not the issue. If I know Liara, she'll want to come aboard. Which means we'll have to go off course to meet up with her. And if I did that, it would be in direct violation of Shepard's orders to go to the Typhon System."

"As the Normandy's A.I., I highly recommend we drop out of FTL due to the strain on the Normandy's engines. It has not been running properly since going through the Omega 4 Relay."

Joker blinked. "What?"

"I am saying, it would be a lot harder for Commander Shepard to court-marshal me than you," Edi replied, her voice light with amusement.

"Oh! Right. Thanks Edi," he said, flipping on the comm. "Hey Liara."

The asari's face appeared on the holo-display. "Shepard isn't answering her communicator. I just received news that a Mass Relay has been destroyed and she's been implicated in its destruction. The casualties are up in the hundreds of thousands. Where is she? Is she all right?"

"She's all right physically," Joker replied. "But _she's_ . . . not."

Understanding passed over Liara's face, and she pressed some buttons on her computer. "It looks like you're headed for the Typhon system. Where can I meet you?"

"We . . . uh . . . had to stop in the Armstrong Nebula to um . . . make sure the FTL drive is functioning within normal parameters. Edi recommends we stay here for uh . . ." Joker trailed off, looking helplessly to the A.I.

"I recommend we stay here for at least twelve hours. Will that be enough time, Doctor T'Soni?" Edi finished for him.

"More than enough," Liara replied with a thankful nod. "I'll be there in two hours."

* * *

Shepard wasn't sure how long she lay on the bathroom floor. After throwing up everything in her innards she had laid down from lack of sleep, exhaustion, hunger, and probably dehydration. She eventually became aware of hands touching her, sitting her up, leaning her back against a soft body. The person tipped her head back and poured some kind of sweet liquid down her throat. When she opened her eyes to see who it was, her vision was blurry and the lights from the bathroom were so bright they gave her a headache.

She coughed as her throat protested from the liquid intake. She grabbed the hand offering the liquid and was about to push it away when she noticed the hand was blue.

She somehow broke out of her mental fog and turned to see Liara's face.

"Liara?" she croaked. Her voice still felt raw from all the vomiting she'd done earlier. She glanced around the bathroom. The glass from the mirror had been cleaned up and her hand was wrapped in medical bandages. "What are you doing here?"

"I was in a neighboring system," Liara replied, putting the glass of liquid back to Shepard's lips. "And I wanted to see you."

Shepard emptied the glass, then pulled away from Liara. She stood and planted her arms against the sink for support. "You mean you're here to check up on me."

"I'm here because I love you," Liara said softly. She rose from the floor and came up behind Shepard, wrapping her arms around the commander's waist.

Shepard tightened her grip on the sink. "I'm fine."

"Goddess, Shepard, you're freezing," Liara said, releasing her to turn on the shower.

Shepard didn't move. She couldn't even feel her body anymore. All she felt was a terrible emptiness. She knew what Liara was doing but the darkness surrounding her mind felt impenetrable. She felt soft hands begin pulling at her clothes, and although she didn't stop Liara, she also didn't allow her body to enjoy it. She didn't trust herself with the asari at the moment. She didn't want to reward her body with pleasure, not after what she'd just done. But the leader in her knew she needed to be presentable for her team, so she decided showering wasn't a bad idea.

She stepped into the hot water and closed her eyes as it ran down her face. She was grateful when the water pulled her hair over her eyes, covering angry tears streaming down her face. She took several slow, deep breaths. She needed to block this out. But how? Killing a soldier in battle who was trying to kill her was one thing. But killing _hundreds of thousands_ of innocent people . . .

She felt Liara's naked body press up behind her, persistent blue arms closing around her.

"Damn it, Liara," Shepard whispered between gritted teeth. "Stop making me want you."

"Would that be so terrible?" her bondmate replied, tightening her arms around Shepard.

Something in her snapped. Not from what Liara said, but from everything the Commander had done. Shepard twisted in the asari's arms and pulled Liara's face in, her lips mere centimeters away.

"Is this what you want?" Shepard hissed. "Then take it."

She heard Liara let out a small noise of surprise as Shepard brought their lips together with bruising force. She slammed Liara against the shower wall and pressed her leg between the asari's thighs, grinding their bodies together. She grabbed Liara's leg and lifted it to wrap around her thigh, her other hand traveling down to forcefully penetrate the asari with two fingers. Maybe this would make it all go away. Maybe she could just fuck Liara until she was so numb she couldn't feel anything anymore. Then maybe she could have some reprieve from her hell, maybe she could just forget _everything._

"Stop!"

And just like that, reality came crashing back around her. Shepard struggled to reorient herself. She was no longer in Liara's arms, but pressed against the other wall of the shower. Liara's hands were glowing a soft blue from having just used a biotic push, and the look on her face broke Shepard's heart. There was no fear in her beautiful sapphire eyes. All she saw was understanding and trust.

Trust. After what Shepard had almost done, Liara was still giving her a look of complete trust. And the worst part of it was knowing Liara probably would have taken it if Shepard would have tried again. With a single look, Liara had just saved her damn soul, made her _human_ again.

"Liara . . .," Shepard tried, but her words wouldn't come out. She no longer felt numb, but all the emotions replacing the numbness were overwhelmingly painful. She instead reached out to her lover, silently pleading with Liara to let her prove she was still worthy of that undying love and trust.

Shepard fell into Liara's arms, burying her face in Liara's bare shoulder. She wanted so much to be in Liara's arms, and yet she wanted to hide her shame. She cursed herself for what she had done to Liara. She knew she couldn't bear it if she lost her beloved bondmate. It would break her. Would she still get the damn job done? Of course she would. Would she become an unfeeling monster somewhere along the way without Liara? Absolutely.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Shepard repeated over and over, clinging to her lover. She felt Liara's arms close around her, one of her hands entangling in her red hair.

"I know," Liara whispered. "It's okay, Shepard. I know."

"I . . . I didn't hurt you, did I?" she asked, almost afraid to look at Liara.

"No," Liara replied, and Shepard exhaled a sigh of relief. "Shepard, it's okay. You know my body is yours to do with as you wish. I stopped you because it's not what _you_ wanted."

Shepard rested her forehead against Liara's. "I _always_ want you," she said softly. "I just . . . . Thank you for stopping me."

Liara responded with a kiss that swept Shepard away. After the last few days she'd had, Liara managed to make her feel better with a simple kiss. She ran her tongue over Liara's lips, silently asking for permission for more. Liara allowed her to deepen the kiss and Shepard began exploring the beautiful blue skin pressed against her with her hands. More than anything, she wanted to make love to Liara, to show her she meant so much more to her than just mindless sex. She wanted to undo the damage she'd already caused.

Shepard sprinkled soft kisses all along Liara's neck and shoulders, then kissed her jaw and cheeks. When their lips came together again, Shepard poured all her tenderness and love into it. Liara accepted all of Shepard's gentle advances, pressing her body as close to her lover's as was physically possible. When Shepard pressed her against the wall, this time she put her hand between Liara and the wall to make her landing gentle.

Shepard worshipped Liara's body with her mouth, kissing every inch of blue skin she could find. She lowered herself to her knees and wrapped her arms around Liara's lovely hips and kissed her stomach. Gently pushing Liara's legs open, she kissed her inner thigh, reveling in the soft groan that escaped the asari's lips. She slid her hand around and caressed Liara's centre with her fingers, then slid her tongue into the smooth folds. Though the water from the shower felt hot on her skin, she felt a shiver travel up her spine upon tasting how wet Liara was for her.

"Goddess, Liara . . .," she breathed, plunging her tongue deeper into her lover, then back out. She saw Liara's back arch above her. "I love tasting you. I love how wet you get for me."

The hand that was entangled in her red hair tightened its grip. Shepard rewarded the action by circling Liara's aroused bud with her tongue.

"Shepard . . .!" Liara groaned her name, sending another chill up her spine.

She continued circling Liara's azure with her tongue, enjoying the sounds her actions elicited.

"I love hearing you say my name," she crooned, pulling back so she could slip two fingers within Liara's wet opening. "I love making you feel so good."

Shepard saw Liara's fingertips dig into the wall and the sight sent a pulsing throb between her thighs.

"Please, Liara," Shepard whispered. "Meld with me. Let me show you how much I care for you, how sorry I am, and how much I love you."

Liara put her leg over Shepard's shoulder as she prepared them both for the meld. When she was securely in place, their minds merged, and their thoughts and emotions began blurring together. Like everything else she was doing, Shepard gently sent her thoughts into Liara's mind, filling her beloved asari with tenderness. She sent her desire to be forgiven as a feeling more than a thought.

_Oh my sweet, beautiful Commander,_ Liara sent lovingly back through the meld. _There's nothing to forgive._

The simple words compelled Shepard to bring her mouth back to Liara's centre, using the meld to find the most sensitive spots in Liara's body and caress them both physically and mentally. Within moments she heard Liara's breath hitch, felt her stomach muscles tighten. She closed her mouth around the asari's azure and began suckling after feeling Liara's desire for it. Feeling how close Liara was, she curled her fingers and caressed the sensitive tissue within.

It proved too much for her beautiful asari. Liara came into Shepard's mouth with a shuddering cry, gasping Shepard's name between each groan of pleasure. Shepard licked every drop of Liara's fluid, drawing out her climax for as long as she could. She knew Liara could sense Shepard's utter enjoyment of tasting Liara come in her mouth, and the very thought sent another orgasm rippling through Liara's body. Shepard groaned against Liara's centre as more fluid spilled into her mouth, and she swallowed every drop.

_Goddess, Liara, do you know what you do to me? Do you know how much I love making you come in my mouth? How much I love hearing you call my name?_

Liara's third orgasm could not be denied after feeling Shepard's words. She clung to Shepard's red hair as her hips rocked against the human's lips, emptying all of her love and arousal into Shepard's mouth. Shepard slid a third finger into Liara, giving her body more to contract around and increase the intensity of her climax. She reveled, not for the first time, how wonderful it felt to have Liara's hot, velvet soft walls contract around her fingers.

When Liara's contractions at last ended, Shepard pressed her cheek to Liara's stomach and wrapped her arms around the asari's waist.

"I love how hard you come for me," Shepard purred, tightening her arms around Liara.

She felt soft hands pull her to her feet after a time, and she once again closed her arms around Liara.

"Thank you, Liara," Shepard whispered, kissing her bondmate's neck.

"I feel as though I should be thanking you," Liara giggled. "That was wonderful."

Shepard pulled back to gaze lovingly into those mesmerizing sapphire eyes. "I mean, thank you for . . . _saving_ me."

_Always,_ Liara sent over through the lingering meld.

Shepard glanced at the still-running water then back to Liara. Then she picked up the bottle of asari body wash she always kept around for just such circumstances and poured some into her hand. She saw as well as felt Liara's smile as she began lathering her beautiful blue skin in body wash.

"This is quite the apology," Liara said with a soft grin. "Unnecessary, but appreciated nonetheless."

Shepard kissed her again, running her hands down Liara's back and back up and digging her fingertips into her soft skin. She could feel how the echo of her massaging fingers and how good it felt on Liara's back. "But it is necessary," Shepard whispered. "Because I love you."

"Oh Shepard," Liara said with another soft smile. "You're wonderful. And I love you too."

Shepard spent the rest of the night showing Liara just how much she loved her. She made love to her over and over until all thought of reapers and the problems of the galaxy faded to a dull ache in the back of her mind. If for just one night, she could forget all else and just allow herself a moment to love her beautiful Liara T'Soni.


End file.
